No Hablo Español

Mr. GreatMamaExperiment is solely responsible for ONE parenting duty.  ONE.  He must teach our children to speak Spanish.

You should know that Mr. GreatMama is Hispanic and speaks English and Spanish fluently, so it’s not like I’m asking him to split an atom.

Unfortunately, what Spanish our kids know they have learned from Dora the Explorer.  So what did I do?  I decided to take matters into my own hands and teach our children to speak Spanish.  I had Spanish in school; I even made A’s.  My high school Spanish teacher, Senora Dickens, would be so proud!

Día Número Uno (that’s Day #1 for all you gringos out there)

I’m in the kitchen (as usual) at the crack of dawn (as usual) preparing breakfast (as usual).  I hear my three-year-old awake (who I affectionately call #2).  She sounds like a little Sumo wrestler as she heads towards the kitchen.

Mama Mamá:  Hola!  Buenos días, mi amor!  (Woo-hoo!  Spanish is easy!)

#2:  (Looks at me puzzled.) Mama, I dirsty.

Mamá:  (Crap, what’s the Spanish word for juice?  She’ll just have to drink water.)  Agua?

#2:  Huh?

Mamá:  Agua?????

#2:  Huh?

Mamá:  AH-GOO-WAH??????  (Am I not speaking plain English, er . . . I mean, plain Spanish to this child?)

#2:  Uh . . . no?

Mamá:  (Oh!  Listen to my smart girl!  She already knows the Spanish word for “no!”  I should reward her!  After all, rewards work when you’re training a dog.  Let’s see . . . what do I have for a reward . . . AH HA!  Cheese doodles!!!!!)

I cram a cheese doodle into my 3-year-old’s mouth at 6:00 a.m. in the morning and pat her on the head.

Mamá:  Muy bien Melissa. ¡Muy bien!

My 6-year-old daughter (#1) and 22-month-old son (The Boy) enter the kitchen.

The Boy:  Mama?

Mamá:  Sí, sí!  Yo soy mamá. Eso es muy bueno.

I cram a cheese doodle into The Boy’s mouth and pat him on the head.

Mamá:  Yo soy mamá.  Sí.

The Boy:  See?

The Boy is obviously a master of the Spanish language!  I cram another cheese doodle into his mouth.

Mamá:  Buenos días, Lauren.

#1:  Uh . . . . hola?  Are we going to Taco Bell or something today?

Mamá:  No.  No Taco Bell (I felt like this wasn’t an exact Spanish translation, so I said it will a REAL heavy Spanish accent).

#1:  What’s for breakfast?

Mamá:  Un momento por favor (Crap!  How do you say eggs in Spanish??).

#1:  Is it pancakes?  Because I don’t want pancakes.

Mamá:  (How do you say eggs?)  ¿Cómo se dice eggs?

#1:  I don’t want eggs, if that’s what you’re saying.

I can hear the baby crying in her room, waiting for me to come and get her.  My three older children all begin to talk at once.

#1:  (whining) Why don’t I ever get what I want to eat for breakfast?  I’m tired of you picking out what I eat!

#2:  Mama?  I want more cheese doodles.  (she chants) Cheese doodles!  Cheese doodles!  Cheese doodles!

The Boy:  Mama!  Mama!  Juice-juice!  Jooooooose!  Joooooose!  Uh-oh . . . stinky.

Mamá:  ¡Silencio!  Er .  . . . ¡Alto!  (This is not working.  Oh, crap.)  Caca.

#1:  Caca?  What is caca?

The Boy:  Caca?  CAAAAA-CAAAAA!  CAAAAA-CAAAAA!

#2:  (Still chanting) CA-CA! CA-CA! CA-CA!

Spanish.Lesson.OVER.

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